First, there’s the silence of peace. It’s a healing and comfortable feeling after a clamorous day’s work, when one is alone with one’s thoughts. Ah – the freedom to have time to just think uninterrupted, with no other agenda than to wander down random paths of the mind and imagination. That’s a good silence.
There’s a silence of uncertainty. It happens when you’re not sure what to say to a friend or family member. When you’re not sure whether you’ve hurt them or you’re simply overthinking the matter. Should you resent them? Do they resent you? Is there justice between you? It’s an anxious, painful, stressful silence, and it feels like your heart has grown thorns that are stabbing out from inside of you.
There’s also a silence that arises from absence. The absence of an opportunity to speak, the absence of a friend to talk to, the absence of family to hug. It’s also the absence of the opportunity to speak with people who have common interests, shared experience, familiar mindsets and the same faith. This is the category I fall most into these days – living away from friends and family, without really knowing how to meet new people. The people you might prefer to chat with are not there; nobody presents themselves or can be found to fill the gap; so you hold it in. The good, the bad and the exciting. One hides one’s most easygoing and open self from all but close friends – so when they are gone, you don’t break out and be fully yourself. If there’s joy, it is a joy halved because unshared. It helps to pray about it, certainly. That’s what keeps you going. The basic feeling of this silence is one of being trapped and stifled. It aches. The image comes to mind of a helium balloon straining skyward against a net anchored to earth.
Blogging – as journalling always has, I suppose – helps. So here’s my happy revelation for the day:
For a long while, an anxious wish has been growing in my heart to *do* something for God. By the end of my life, I want to be able to look back and say, “Yes, I DID put my faith into action!” The frustration of not only my verbal silence about God, but my silence of action, has been a weight that has grown steadily over the past few… weeks? Months? Years? Let me not, I have prayed, be found hypocritical and wanting when I am judged by the glorious King! Words and beliefs are worthless if they do not result in actions! But what more can I do than I am already doing? Am I doing my utmost? Won’t he expect that? Won’t I deeply regret not giving everything I could? It’s a scary thought, but I am convinced it is an accurate one. Therefore my innate, deep-seated terror of commitment, exertion and deprivation has been a stumbling block I am increasingly ashamed of.
I may have made a discovery about what I might be able do for God. I helped out at the church’s internet cafe tonight. Upstairs, there was a Bible study for ESL backpackers going on. After a while I was ready to go home, and went up to take my leave. They were making their way through the Jesus movie, a bit at a time, explaining difficult words and concepts, and working through the basic gospel message. Suddenly, I wanted to be there, explaining that stuff, sharing, teaching, and – oh glorious! – breaking my lamentable, shameful silence about God! I realised I loved talking about God, sharing my faith – and that’s what this was! What an idiot I am! Of *course* this is a logical thing for me to do. I am an English teacher and a Christian. The people in the study are the only people my age at my church, and nobody my age outside of church wants to talk about God! I’ve had some of the most exciting, joy-filled and thrilling times of my life in simple, careful conversation about my faith. DUH! Perhaps I am overreacting. But God, surely the worst silence of all is the silence of a Christian about Christ!
Then sings my soul,
My Saviour, God, to thee,
How great thou art!
How great thou art!
So, in the spirit of capturing that warm feeling that fluttered, for a moment, in my chest as I saw the group talking about God, (that first glimmering of joy?), let’s all pray that I don’t, yet again, back down. I am a very busy person. It is tremendously easy for me to beg off of things like that. I only pray that I do something, soon, to lift the heaviness that silence brings to my life